Journal Entry : 12/3/2019

Last night, I did something stupid. I stayed up talking to a language partner when I should have been getting my sleep for work. Now this is not my language partner’s fault. After all, I really enjoy talking to them. This is my fault, and now the tiredness that I feel today is the a direct result of that stupid decision.

It is not necessarily stupid to practice with the language partner – it is demanded when learning any language. The part of being a responsible adult, a responsible person in general, is knowing when to do something. I got so into the conversation that I was having with my language partner, that I did not pay attention to the time. And that is my fault. The next time I practice with any language partner, I will be more mindful of the time.

. . .

This weekend, I was so nervous about calling the California State University of San Marcos to get set up with a teacher credentialing program, as well as getting sufficient rides to work, that I went on a bit of a masturbation spree. I did so until my dick was raw. Now I feel guilty as hell about the whole thing.

Journal Entry: 11/30/2019

Please, do not take this as an excuse not to try, for we all should try, but sometimes we do not get what we want out of life, but it’s no reason to be bitter. Forces align themselves against us, and it’s okay because not all goals should be obtained. I mean, as a teenager, my only real goal was to be left to my own devices, and that led to some heady mistakes, which are not to be spoken of here.

I know some will look at this post through an eye of God, and how he moves about our lives in order to keep us from committing detrimental acts, e.g. He sees something as bad for us, and therefore uses his power to impede our progress towards it – ultimately knocking us off of it entirely. Nothing against you, if you feel this way, but I do not. 

Here, I refer the impediments to progress as people, and bureaucracy. 

Like I said before, as a teenager, all I wanted was to be left to my own devices. My parents paid my bills, gave me food, shelter, and never asked for anything in return, expect for me to never go away, of which I had no need to because they took care of me. In this sense, though I was most certainly not rich, and neither are my parents, living my life in accordance with my own whimsical desires was perfectly blissful. I could have lived that way forever without feeling any remorse over not having any real personal goals, outside of the one I just mentioned.

But, and do not take this as blame, for I am not blaming any one, but when my to-be wife stepped into my life when I was nineteen, she sought to change that. She saw who I was, how I lived, how I had no guilt over it and didn’t like it – this dislike led her to alter my life through trial and tribulation, which in the led her to transform every bit as much as she changed me.

And I am glad she did what she did, the pain, the guilt, the long talks, the sometimes potent lovemaking. Otherwise, my son would not be here to pull me through the aches and joys of fatherhood, and I would not possess my own set of goals now to become more than what I am.

By this measure, the loss of a goal is not the abrupt end to life in total. It is merely a means of finding the goals you should have aligned yourself to in the first place. 

Journal Entry: 11/26/2019

What if there is no ultimate purpose to life?

This isn’t a depressing question, nor is it a question for nihilists to affirm, or deny.

It is a genuine question, one that is born out of a growing curiosity, resulting from the rapid changes my awareness seems to be suffering through.

And the only answer I can seem to find to it lately that is: Even if life has no ultimate purpose, it does no mean putting yourself to a purpose that suits you is foolish.

Life is a series of goals we pursue. Don’t feel bad about the one you are on right now. It doesn’t need to define you forever, just now. And isn’t that something to be grateful for?

Journal Entry: 11/25/2019

It’s on nights like these that I wish I could turn to my father – not necessarily my father but a father who could give me some advice.

Right now, and it’s my need to be a decent person, I feel like I am being tried unnecessarily. Instinct tells me to run off, and if I can’t run off, go kill myself because there’s no way I can come back from that.

It is only thought the tells me to do otherwise – about to take my son, and send need to not make him live without me.

Instinct though, instinct screams at the back of my head.

please dab, wherever you are, talk to me give me some advice.